1, Vacation.

“Doc, I can smell your booze breath so I know you’re close.” Trent Murdock had just regained consciousness. He was talking casually to his friend and fellow secret agent, Dale O’Connor. Both men had their hands tied behind their backs. They were blindfolded and swinging upside down hanging by their ankles from a rafter.

“For the record, I’ve never liked you,” replied O’Connor.

“I had a plan! And now that plan might get us killed, I know.”

“These women won’t get the chance to kill you before your flatulance kills us both, dude.” O’Connor felt nauseated as he squirmed. “You gotta quit eating curry.”

“I never touch the stuff cuz I’m allergic to coconut.” Murdock felt the gurgle in his guts and continued. “Curry is like that Ukrainian gal I dated last year. It’s always hot but gambling with an outbreak isn’t worth it.”

Murdock farted loudly. The old wooden warehouse reverberated as if air was fighting to get out of lightly lubricated rubber sheets. Murdock squirmed at the moisture, wondering if he’d soiled himself. No liquid ran down his back and he sighed in relief. A dozen heavily armed perfectly proportioned women in two piece swim suits looked up and recoiled in disgust. “Sorry, Doc. That food truck ripped the ass out of me.”

“You are a terrible person and I hope they kill me soon so I never have to listen to you again.”

“I love you too, brother,” giggled Murdock. The blood rushing to his head from hanging upside down made him dizzy. “Times like this make me think you’ve got it figured out, Doc. Whiskey and explosives are all a man really needs in life.”

O’Connor smiled. His shaggy brown hair hung down like an untidy mop as he dangled. “That’s really thoughtful, asshole,” choked O’Connor, but he couldn’t stop smiling. Although he wouldn’t admit it, he was easily placated with booze talk. Even while dangling upside down uncomfortably from the tightness around his ankles, the thought of sipping Irish whiskey sent him to his happy place. “You don’t get to call the shots, ever again.”

“But I had a plan!” protested Murdock. “You didn’t see this coming either, fucker!”

The women below were becoming agitated and began talking heatedly to each other in Chinese. The sounds of gun safeties being disengaged let the men know that shit was about to get real. The beauties didn’t notice as a door on the far side of the warehouse opened silently. A shadowy figure slipped in unseen and closed the door as quietly as a ghost.

“For real, Doc, I promise we’ll sit in bathtubs full of whiskey. And we’ll get foot rubs from red heads. Ok, that part might be my fantasy, but for real. We’ll go on a vacation to make up for this botched vacation.”

O’Connor yawned. “You gotta have a mud butt from that last fart, dude. It sounded so wet.”

“I love it when you talk dirty to me,” quipped Murdock.

At that moment, the sound of struggle below ensued. They could hear several bodies collapsing on the floor. There were a few muffled shouts from some women but the gently swinging agents couldn’t see anything due to their blindfolds. No shots were fired, and within a few seconds the place fell silent.

Murdock called out, “it’s my fault, Bradley. You know I’m a sucker for the female form.”

“I leave you two dumb fucks by some food trucks for fifteen measly minutes…” Special agent Bradley McVandalay spoke with no emotion as a he surveyed the men swinging. “And the next thing I know, I find you hanging upside down in a warehouse being held hostage by ridiculously gorgeous women wearing hardly any clothing.” He exhaled as if exhausted from scolding rowdy children. “I don’t even wanna know.”

“Yup, I can see how this looks from your perspective but I can explain everything, Bradley,” Murdock blurted as he hung from his ankles. “I had a plan!” He stopped his protest when another fart ripped out of him and again sounded like air coming out of a balloon. He clenched his butt tightly, hoping that it wouldn’t be the soaker he’d been dreading.

“I told you, I don’t even wanna know,” said McVandalay calmly. He grabbed the ropes to lower the men down. “Honestly, this one is for the record books. And god dammit, you stink, dude.”

“Ok, that one was wet,” Murdock sheepishly admitted.

McVandalay helped the men down. He unbound them and they lifted their blindfolds. He grinned widely and said, “simply stunning, boys. Simply fucking stunning.”

Neither of the agents asked McVandalay how he’d disarmed the women, or how he’d knocked them unconscious. O’Connor simply shrugged as if the whole situation was a normal occurrence. “Murdock owes me a bathtub full of whiskey. Let’s bounce.”

“I gotta stop by the street market and get new underwear.” With no embarrassment, Murdock lifted his leg and ripped one last small toot. “And some new shorts and a shirt too.”

Bradley McVandalay shook his head in disgust. “Porter won’t let you within a hundred feet of her bird in this condition, no doubt. Let’s leave this part of town. I don’t feel like incapacitating anymore guards today, or whoever hired them to do this to you, thank you.”

“You’re a god among mortals, brother,” Murdock declared. “Can either of you spot me twenty bucks? I lost my last bit of cash to Schuman at breakfast when I bet her that she couldn’t eat that handful of rusty nails.”

“She laughed when you offered her ketchup,” grinned O’Connor.

“That was a losing bet from the get go, you idiot,” McVandaly said, shaking his head.

Murdock protested. “I figured she’d get a few down, but the whole damn handful? Who could’ve seen that coming?”

“Never bet against her, dummy. Oh, and she’s bare knuckle boxing in the red light district later if you wanna gamble with the locals. That’s the easiest money you’ll ever make.” Bradley McVandalay laughed quietly, “poor fuckers don’t know what they’re in for.” He shook his head in pity at the fighters who would step into the ring with her as he stepped over the unconscious bodies. “There’s an outdoor flea market a block from the fights. I’ll spot you twenty, but I’m putting it on your tab.”

“Speaking of tabs, I’m ready for a drink. How ’bout you two?” asked O’Connor predictably.

“I had a plan,” said Murdock, defeated.

The men exited the warehouse and walked into a beautiful Taiwanese sunset. In the distance, a carnival sprung up spontaneously where people danced, lovers made love, and butterflies danced amongst the water lilies.